So, as I’ve been discussing the recent issue about the terrorist’s iPhone that Apple won’t help our FBI with and I imagined what a world where we have to ask corporations for their permission to protect ourselves from dangerous criminals would be like, instead of building better, more trustworthy government, and here is what I came up with.
I lead off with this quote from the recent democratic debate for consideration. Yes the FBI and the government have violated the public trust many times, especially in the last 15 years, but in the end I’ll take a government I have a chance at fixing over scary multinational corporations that answer to no one, any day.
“Listen, I suppose they can trust the corporations who have destroyed Flint by a disastrous trade policy which have allowed them to shut down plants in Flint and move to China or Mexico. We could trust them I’m sure. Or maybe — you know, maybe, Anderson, tell you what — we should — maybe we should let Wall Street come in and run the city of Flint…… because we know their honesty and integrity has done so much for the American people. Look, we live in a democracy, and I’m not in (ph) the last person to deny that government is failing in many respects. But at the end of the day, I will trust the people to create a government that works for them, rather than Wall Street or corporate America.” — Bernie Sanders 3/6/2016
It was a hot day at 1 Infinite Loop. I was dressed in the proper attire to be admitted into the sacred burial chamber of Steve Jobs. It was an old Orange Genius Room shirt from back in the day when Apple used good PowerPC Processors. My power ring was also made from a 233 Megahertz G3 PowerPC processor, and my necklace from a chain of old ADB cabling and a broken up ADB keyboard. The Command key was carefully placed in the center.
I was being recorded by many Apple employees on various shiny devices, from the moment I stepped foot onto the Apple Campus. They all wore hipster glasses, and slim jeans, but that was ok with me because I loved them all so much. I wasn’t 100% sure why but being amongst my techno-tribe made me feel warm inside. It removed the burden of having to think for myself from my shoulders.
I started to consider all of the suicides and violently broken up protests at their horrific FoxConn plant to be a testament to their greatness. Those people that gave their lives in service to Apple really paved the way for not just Corporate America, but for an America governed by corporations that made shiny things on the backs of abused Asian workers. Good for them I say, way to make the big bucks. I had 3 iPhones, 2 iPad Pros, and 2 MacBook Pros in my Lincoln Navigator, and I never kept a car, phone, tablet, or computer longer than a year. Only commies keep their stuff until it stops working.
After visiting the store I was blindfolded, and scanned with an iProbe, both exteriorly, and interiorly, in my rectum, then in my mouth. I was sure that the Apple Engineers had designed a cleaning apparatus into the iProbe, or if they didn’t I was sure that I would make up an excuse for why not putting one in was a good, progressive, idea. The shitty taste in my mouth reminded me that their top people had long ago moved onto designing the iPhones and all of their other projects were pretty much a joke. Oh well, I deserved it! After all, I went with a better Linux server years ago instead of an overpriced OSX Mac Mini Server. I actually wanted something that could be expanded and ran on better, cheaper hardware. Shame on me for not being loyal to my benevolent overlords at Apple. Who did I think I was, using my own judgment, and relying on my own research to make a decision? There was never any option other than Apple after all. Why didn’t I see that earlier?
After my scans I was led up and down many hallways, and was further scrutinized by other security professionals in slim jeans with designer coffees. Blood, hair, and skin samples were taken many times using the iNeedle, the iRazor and the iExfoliator, then scanned on the spot to check for impurities or signs of Windows use.
During some of these stops the blindfold was removed and I was subjected to a series of images of other successful IT companies and movements. I smiled when I noticed Tux the penguin, which was considered a sign of impurity. They knew how to deal with scumbags like me that thought about using other computing platforms. To make a long story short, after being hooked up to a car battery for a while, I realized the error of my ways and admitted that these other IT paths were impure and their developers really just wanted to be like Apple, but just weren’t Apple enough to pull it off. With this realization, I was finally admitted to the tomb of Jobs.
His mummified corpse sat on a beautiful brushed aluminum platform in the center of the room surrounded by LED lighting. He was dressed in a black turtleneck and slacks. Priests attended him 24 hours a day, and wore long red robes, that covered their entire bodies, including their faces. They chanted incantations in Objective-C and used Newtons to smack themselves in the face with, periodically, if they made an error in their code. Many cameras and iPads were in the room playing Apple specific content, including a track that continuously played snippets of Steve Jobs words of wisdom. I knew, when I heard him scream at a young employee for not being artistic enough, that he was the kind of man that I wanted to be like. A true corporate icon and champion of the American people!
I had been sent here on behalf of my desperate people. An iPhone had been recovered from yet another Terrorist/Pedophile and we needed Apple’s help to see the content on the phone. Just like in the past, we didn’t want the secrets of their encryptions, asking for this was considered treason after all, but for them to disable the feature that would destroy the data on the phone if a password was entered incorrectly 10 times. Then we would start the time consuming process of trying to force our way in. Who were we to judge one of the great corporations of our time? They created the best shiny things for pampered people after all and that was what was important.
I knelt before the altar and was fed a cracker with thermal paste on it. I then had to wash it down with G5 liquid cooling fluid, known as holy water in the this sacred place. I felt ill but began to make my request using the Objective-C language to start, as was required. And I said, line by line,
Comment:// A Program to Request Apple's Assistance on Behalf of the
//American People, now known as the Nation of Apple.
int main (int argc, const char * argv)
NSAutoreleasePool *pool = [[NSAutoreleasePool alloc] init];
NSLog (@"Please oh mighty and holy lords of Apple, grant us the means to protect ourselves, our children and our children's children from our enemies. Of course if you don't, I'll understand and realize I was wrong to ask in the first place. So say we all.");
Tim Cooks voice then came over an unseen speaker, and he said, “Code entered correctly. We will listen to thy request, as thou did wear proper, tasteful attire today and look douchebaggy enough to be listened to. Still, I would have preferred more grovelling.”
I then made my full request. Hoping and praying that I would be granted the means necessary to protect my loved ones by the holy of holies, CEO Tim Cook. Known as the messiah, Tim-esus in our new age. There was a myth that he would rise on the 3rd day after Apple switched to yet another processor type. Personally, I was hoping for ARM based computers. I should note that we were in the 10th year of the new Calendar. Known as 10 AA (After Apple).
After many hours of being forced to listen to Coldplay, and readings from the Book of Apple (a collection of technical manuscripts), I finally received an answer in the form of an iAssassin Droid which was sent into the room. It was a small, track based droid with an iPad for a face and needle tipped hands. Apple’s preferred method of execution was to inject enemies of the state with the Lithium/Polymer mixture used in their batteries. As it glided across the black, brushed aluminum floor, Tim Cooks’ voice started speaking through its small, yet impressive speaker, “sorry, but you are not artistic enough to make such a request and your impurity of using other computing products at some point in your life means that you must be eliminated for the good of the Nation of Apple. Your family will be sent new iPhones as compensation. For the glory of Apple!”
Luckily, the Droid was prettier than it was functional, a common problem with Apple products, and I was able to deploy a Raspberry Pi 300 Based Bodyguard Robot I had hidden in my butt to cover my escape. While I watched the little, far superior Modified Pi take out the trash using its flame throwers, I suddenly had a change of heart. My daughter had made the Droid in the tent city that we lived in, and urged me to take it in case things went south, I kept the details of how I would have to smuggle it in from her. As the Little Pi decimated the far inferior Apple product, the years of brainwashing melted away as I remembered what a person with proper knowledge could really do with a Raspberry Pi. The Pi’s were now being built in secret of course, and owning such banned technology was grounds for execution. Oddly, the priests did not follow. They just keep continuing to pray to their master.
The iAssassin Droid may have been able to repair itself, but it’s parts request to Apple Corporate took too long. Besides, no one wanted to risk having to pay a restocking fee for not getting the broken part back to Apple in time. After all, Apple never did tell you if it was a new or refurbished part. That was part of the fun of having Apple products. When your brand new stuff broke, it was “up yours valued customer” here is a used part that we may or may not have actually fixed for your new, broken, product.
Security was everywhere, yelling, “stop, in the name of his holiness, the Grand Inquisitor Cook, stop or it will hurt your family’s credit and ability to purchase our products!” But I kept running, soon I was dodging wave after wave of iPod style shuriken. I said my prayers, and hoped just to make it out alive. The Little Pi Continued to fight on, and blocked the shuriken from hitting me until it stopped working. It said, “I did this for our family,” before finally self-destructing.
I could hardly breathe through the thick smoke made up mostly of vintage clothing, burnt lattes, and iPhone cases. Suddenly an elite, underground team, of Ubuntu using rebels busted in with a giant Mech that looked like a Timberwolf from Mechwarrior 2. Even the few Microsoft guys that were around joined in with some half functioning robots based on T2 skeletons. They could only operate for about 15 minutes before being overcome by spyware and other viruses, but it provided me with enough time to get into the Timberwolf and get the fuck out of Cupertino. The team was tipped off by my son, who used TOR to communicate the date of the location to them. We would all be wanted for treason now, and as Apple proved many times, they only considered a child a good child if they were making batteries for them.
Tux class, armored shock troopers covered our escape, but in the end none made it out alive except for myself and the Timberwolf’s pilot. The pilot informed me that my family was being moved to a safe location in Canada, and that Apple iBombers were already in route, but they believed their Arudino based force fields would protect the convoy long enough to get away.
This day would be known as the day the corporate wars began.