Debbie Wasserman Schultz Does Everything Clinton Tells Her To, Then Resigns

So obviously, this is speculation, but does anyone else find it odd that the DNC attacked Bernie supporters to the point that many will never be part of the Democratic party again and Clinton ended up as the nominee and that Schultz was allowed to stay on just long enough to ensure that? The result of that is that Clinton is our candidate, and Schutlz was allowed to resign instead of being fired. Like she deserved. She’s even still in charge of some token parts of upcoming events. Sounds to me like a person that did what her overlord, Clinton, told her to do. Still, just like with the Benghazi scandal, we’ll never know for sure. Clinton is a seasoned liar and criminal and is smart enough to cover her tracks. So I guess we’ll pretend that the Clinton campaign had no idea what Debbie was up to and was shocked to find out. Just like we’ll pretend that two parties still exists and that politicians, in general, actually care about the people. Just like those politicians that were texting during the Kate’s Law testimony, when her father testified to congress. We’ll pretend that they cared and didn’t already have their minds’ made up before they went in. We’ll pretend that they value their own children and actually listened, regardless of their behavior. Just like we’ll pretend that Debbie and Clinton were not capable of this level of corruption. Personally, I see little difference between the parties at this point. It’s all the ruling class having a party at our expense. We had a chance to change it, but we missed it.

Homemade Car Computer Featuring the Raspberry Pi 2, Jasper and Raspbian Jessie

As always, my instructions are use at your own risk.

This is definitely a version 1 of this. It does everything I want it to do, but I am still reading tons of documentation and will be hitting the forums hard to try and refine it. I’ll be posting scripts too. I hope to consolidate the many small scripts, I have made to work around problems, into a few large scripts when I work out some of the bugs.

Items Needed:

Raspberry Pi with DSI port for Pi Touchscreen or equivalent. (I used a RPi 2).

1 Touchscreen (Follow the wiring instructions from whatever manufacturer’s one you end up with. I love the Official one, btw.)

1 8GB or better SD Card for OS and Software (recommend at least 16GB)

1 USB Microphone or sound card with microphone input. (I used USB. This is obvious, but I’ll say it anyway, get a good one. The first one I got was $6 and change with tax and it was awful. It proved that my stuff worked, but… yes I adjusted it in alsamixer.)

A screen mount that can hold the Pi and the Screen. I used this one:



Install Raspbian Jessie . (2016-05-27 is what I used).

A Note About Jasper and Wheezy:

All of this is tested on Wheezy according to the Jasper site, even the default Jasper Image is built on Wheezy. Their install instructions are for Wheezy and even the GitHub Install Script suggests Jessie but is confirmed to work with Wheezy. Still, Jessie has vast improvements over Wheezy so I’m using Jessie. Also, I had no luck with getting the Jasper PreConfigured image, (built using Wheezy on the official site) to boot, which is a problem many others had. I tried Wheezy with many other install options with less success than Jessie. In short, I tried about 10 different things, including the Google Groups image (which looks promising) but in the end I used the Knight of Pi instructions below after installing Jessie.

Don’t Follow Jasper Manual Install Instructions On The Jasper Site. There are several problems with them, for example, the packages at the end are from the “experimental” Debian repository and it can’t find some of them. The same goes for the source files listed there. Instead use the Knight of Pi instructions here:

Note: If you screw it up, start over. The install is very unforgiving of duplicate files, etc.

Also, I was using a USB mic for input with the built in sound card for output. I had to set the ALSA index to get this to work correctly. Here is a link with instructions.

In the end I still had some weird issues with modules and parts of modules not existing that I’m still working through, like (mic.activeListen()). I hope a default Jessie/Jasper image is out soon. Perhaps I should make one. IDK, I want to hammer some more bugs out first.

So, since (mic.activeListen()) couldn’t be found, and I didn’t find a simple solution on the forums (I’ll keep looking), I simply wrote separate scripts that do the jobs I needed. plays music via vlc, stops vlc, (or just about whatever you want if you edit it) etc. I used VLC because it has an awesome commnad line interface and a good GUI. Remember, I’m using the Pi Touchscreen too. (Scripts will be near the end of this document).

To install VLC

sudo apt-get install vlc

You’ll need to install xte to send keyboard commands to VLC. On Raspbian (and in Debian and Debian Derivatives like my favorite distro Ubuntu) this is done by executing the following command in a terminal:

sudo apt-get install xautomation

You’ll also want to install all updates and an onscreen keyboard before hooking up the screen. (Obviously you can do this afterwards too, but it’s nice to have installed before hand).

  • sudo apt-get update
  • sudo apt-get upgrade
  • sudo apt-get install matchbox-keyboard
  • Restart using either sudo reboot or graphically

Here is an article that goes a bit more in-depth on how to do this. I’d go here if you have any problems.

Install the touchscreen (Again, I used the official Touchscreen. Follow the appropriate directions for whatever screen you ended up with).

That’s about it. The Knight of Pi stuff is amazing, thanks guys :). The Open-FST portion takes a few hours over my $120 a month Comcast connection. With the total Bullshit SpeedBurst option (aka Comcast sort of lying and definitely screwing you on your connection speed for the cost). True, there is no way to tell what services everything in between myself and the other servers are on, but it’s definitely time for nationwide Public Fiber.

A few scripts. They use VLC and xautomation. Obviously, other scripts can be made from there. I plan on putting up Rewind, Fast Forward, etc. soon. So far, these play Music, Stop, go to the Next and Previous Tracks, Pause and Resume.

Note: The MPD script in /jasper/client/modules that runs Spotify by default uses the word Music as a command. I moved the MPD script to an unused scripts folder since I don’t use Spotify and don’t plan on it.



Note: I’ve had to run the command pulseaudio -D to get past the Jasper JackAudio error. So before running the jasper script just type in,

pulseaudio -D

Also, I am running this off of a USB charger in the car. You need at least 2.1 Amps available. I really want the Pi Juice to come out, but will probably use another battery in the meantime. I’ll update this when I get that all in and post sweet car photos :).


Apple “An Open Source Company In Name Only”

Well, I’d love to be able to go a month without Apple doing something horrible against humanity or lying about something, but apparently that just isn’t going to happen. You see, Apple tells people all of the time about what a great Open Source Company they are, in fact they say that they’re the first large one, which is an outright lie, but as long as they did a good job most of us would just look at it as marketing. Recently, Apple has done one of the least Open Source things possible. They are planning on suing someone for showing you how to repair your own computer. That’s right, a computer they purchased that they, God Forbid, learned how to repair. They then, in the Open Source Tradition, shared that knowledge with others who also would have had to purchase the computers or repair them for someone that did. Sharing useful information is the core theme of how the Open Source Model works. Still, Apple has always just used Open Source and come as close to stealing form the community as one can. When they were almost out of business they used it to get a new, better OS and appear trendy. Now that they are big, they use it to save money in development, and then overcharge your for their products. Since Linux and Android are so good, and you can almost all be using that now, I kind of don’t care if you’re too married to Apple to switch as long as you don’t do something like demand our local schools buy pallets of their bad, overpriced, products that have that new fascist smell included in the box. Oh wait….. that’s exactly what a lot of schools did…. In fact, there are a few programs that the creatives use that are only on Apple. They can use different ones, but I can understand not wanting to realean complex applications. Still, it’s important to note that Apple isn’t even giving you the right to easily access information on how to repair your own computer. It’s not a Rolls Royce, after all, it’s more like a Dell XPS, that costs more, and has a UNIX based OS that is really locked down. In an age when you can basically rebuild a popular car by watching repair videos on YouTube only a really backward company, run by the type of Capitalists that make Trump look good, would sue someone for releasing repair info. Still, all you have to do is stop buying their stuff, and buy the better, more open stuff, that’s already out there instead. You know what would hypothetically be really funny, and I’m not telling anyone to do this by any means, but what if everyone that had Apple repair manuals accidentally, and anonymously, released them in response to this. I’m just thinking outloud. It would be wrong to do that to a great member of our tech community like Apple after all :). I mean, who would brown shirt manufacturers send their products to. Losing a huge contract like sending brown shirts and badges to Apple would effect their business negatively too.  My God, whoever thought Apple would make everyone else, including Microsoft, look good. Oh yeah, me, I’ve been talking about this for years.

Hillary Victory Fund (The Clinton Version of Citizens United)

I was puzzled to receive a letter from the Hillary Clinton Campaign today since I’ve been supporting Sanders for months now and talking legit trash about Hillary and all of the other Republicans (and wanna be Republicans), often publically, for years now. Still, just like in the Benghazi case Hillary did not have competent IT personnel working on the mailing and they did not compare spreadsheets of Sanders supporters, that hate her and her pathological lying, to the rest of the list.

The letter is really funny to me. I starts by talking about the fact that the Democratic nomination is close as a problem, then moves on to talk about legit issues with the Republicans, who are raising money in much the same way the Clinton campaign is, you know from very wealthy people who want to keep being allowed to screw the average person over. The Clinton guys are just a little less bloodthirsty about the whole thing, but they still do it.

It then urges you not to allow scare tactics to affect you, but then uses a scare tactic itself. Largely urging you to stay away from both Republicans and Sanders (a mutant from another dimension that is crazy enough to want you to have a decent wage and healthcare), but not coming out and saying that because they have no fortitude. It states, “We can’t let scare tactics and divisiveness win out. We can’t let it rip away our progress. That is why I need your support now so we can hold the White House, elect Democrats up-and-down the ballot this November, and protect all the progress we have made from Republicans who want to drag us backward.”

Then she demonstrates a complete lack of historical knowledge, or rather an upper-crusty version of history. “America was built by people who had each other’s backs, who understood we all have to do our part,” I guess she forgot about how people of wealthy European descendants largely stole the land from the Native Americans, infected them with smallpox, and built the nation using slaves, who they then never really gave their rights back to. When poor, largely European descendants, were legitimately working, like on the old New York skyscrapers, 2 out of 3 of them fell to their deaths or were paralyzed because their ultra capitalist bosses wouldn’t give them safety equipment. Upton Sinclair didn’t write “The Jungle” because capitalism was good for industry. The list goes on. Still, it’s common for people of privilege to have this view of American history. The problem is people at the top are often willing to do anything to get ahead and keep their lead. This includes the Clinton family and most families attached to the Ivy League in some way. You know, the people that consider themselves better than you. They consider the average person to be a child that needs their superior guidance to get ahead. None of you are capable of making decisions on your own after all. You need the people that have totally fucked up the country to continue to do that for you. Perhaps they’ll start another war. Wars are always good for the economy, and they get rid of the “surplus population.” Helping combat climate change.

She then asks for slightly less than the Sanders Campaign has been getting on average ($25 instead of $27). This is actually a smart move. The Clinton campaign may be totally out of touch with technology, but they still know how to sell people things. Anything ending in a 9 or 5 tends to sell better than a 0, 7 etc. That’s why that shitty car, with no warranty attached to it, sells for $999 instead of $1,000. With so many large money contributors, why does Clinton need money from little old me. She says she wants to give Clipboards and Pencils to her volunteers, maybe she can ask Clooney for some more cash, after he ruins another one of our childhood superheroes on screen.

She then alludes to Sanders being in the race just to make a point and that he is making promises he can’t keep. Which is 100% NOT TRUE. Sanders has the backing of the younger generation, and is in touch with what they want and need. He polls better against Trump, and is not a criminal. Again, if Clinton gets nominated, the results of the Benghazi investigation will come to light, and she will not be able to run for president anyway. So any promise she makes to you is a lie. Take the whole healthcare thing, she keeps telling you we’re going to get the remaining 10% onto the AHA. Guess what, she can’t. The people choosing not to participate are of choosing to do so because of religious and other reasons. They don’t want to participate in the AHA.

She then recaps some good things she did in the past, as if she singlehandedly did them, of course forgetting to mention that Bernine supported most of the things she did, simply because they were progressive. She hits the women’s rights card hard, forgetting to mention that Sanders is the best candidate for women if you look at his voting record and platform. And of course, she mentions 9/11 and how she was first lady. She forgets to mention the fascist regulation of music and media, that took place during the Clinton presidency, and how African Americans started going to jail a whole lot more because of the Clinton presidency. In fact, so disproportionately more that the policies could only be seen as fascist if not racist. But how could that be, she says she’s progressive? Yeah, she’s totally full of shit.

The letter then states, “This November, Americans will be faced with stark choices.” As if we haven’t been doing that for the last several decades. Since there has been no truly good president in my lifetime, and it’s tough to find one before that too, American quality of life has been diminishing as long as I’ve been alive.

She then claims to want to raise the minimum wage, but to $12 an hour, not $15, because she really believes that $24,000 a year, before taxes, is a livable wage in our out of control economy that’s plagued by constant inflation.

She attacks guns, because that’s popular, but in Clinton America you’ll have zero access. Do you really want zero access? I can understand some regulation, but zero access means no guns. Sanders is reasonable about this, Clinton is a total fascist about it. Only the cops that beat people to death occasionally and the military will have them in Clinton America. If you like to hunt, then get ready to do it with a Tomahawk or Sword if Clinton is president.

She then guarantees to do a lot of things that Sanders will do better. She does not hold the very wealthy accountable for shipping our jobs overseas, and not paying their fair share in taxes, but tells you things will somehow, magically, get better and then says that we can only eat all of this delicious shit if we elect her president.

She then attacks Sanders again, as “a force trying to drive us apart.” Although, most Americans will do a lot better under Sanders. You know, the Americans she doesn’t understand at all, but claims to represent.

The letter is 4 pages long.












Bernie Sanders Isn’t Swinging for the Stands, He’s Already Hit it Out of the Park!

The Clinton campaign must count their lucky stars, or rather thank their corrupt friends in the media, every day. How many fruit baskets must CNN, The New York Times, and others be getting from Clinton HQ on a daily basis? Even though Bernie is totally kicking ass, the establishment media still says things like, “Bernie swings for the stands,” when the truth is that he is very close to Clinton in delegates (not bullshit super delegates, please see my write up on how worthless super delegates are) but actual delegates.  If it wasn’t for the corrupt establishment media, Clinton would have already been overtaken by Sanders. The corrupt, elite owned media is the last, and only leg that Clinton is still standing on. Don’t allow idiot, big money actors like George Clooney to tell you how to vote. Think for yourself, and I promise you’ll vote Bernie Sanders, unless you’re foolish. I mean really, do you want the worst Batman in recent history to choose who is going to be president for you. How does being a terrible actor qualify him to give out advice anyway? They’re almost all giant hypocrites. For example, so many of these actors take a giant shit on the environment, with their lifestyles, then tell you how you can make a difference, if you just donate to their charities and listen to them when it comes to how you should live. This is just one example of how full of shit most of the wealthy are, especially actors like George Clooney. He’s just protecting his money, by backing a corrupt, elitist candidate, like Hillary Clinton. You know, the money all of these guys stole from you through a mismanaged economy in some way shape or form.

Also, an important reminder that Sanders polls way better against any republican than Clinton, including Trump, and oh yeah he can’t be disqualified as a criminal, like Hillary Clinton can, when the republicans finally demand the results of the Benghazi investigation.

What Will Happen If Clinton Gets the Nomination (AKA Guaranteed Trump Victory)

Love or hate Hillary Clinton, here is what will most likely happen if she gets the Democratic Party Nomination:

  1. Trump will call for one of the only legit things he has during the whole campaign, the results of the criminal investigation against Hillary Clinton.
  2. Although she will probably not go to jail for her involvement in the Benghazi e-mail scandal (even though she should), it will probably disqualify her to run for the presidency. If it does not it will damage the credibility of the Democratic Party causing them to ask her to step aside and allow Sanders to run anyway.
  3. By then, Sanders will have lost too much momentum to beat Trump, something he can do easily if he gets the nomination right off the bat.
  4. Trump becomes president with Vice-President Cruz, both finally destroy the economy, etc. Oh well, at least maybe we’ll stop going to war all of the time when we’re no longer a superpower.

— All we have to do is just nominate Bernie Sanders in the first place. A Clinton nomination is a sure path to a Trump presidency.

Skinny and Slim Jeans (The Male Nut Corset)

I actually work for a living, so I wanted to get a pair of pants that looked good and were functional.  I’ve been working hard, so I wanted to try and get something high quality. For some odd reason, partially because I wanted to make my 1 of 2 annual treks to get wings, and a “Nuns With Guns” RATM shirt, I decided to go to the mall where almost every shop I went into had skinny and slim jeans. I thought to myself about how no one who actually has to do real work for a living could use such clothing. There’s no where to put anything while you’re using your hands!!! Also, I thought about how these pants must really not only crunch, but even deform the male genitalia. This “nut vice” design seemed crazy to me, until I thought about the victorian period and women’s corsets. This fashion was obviously so damaging to the male genitalia that 100 years from now we could expect a spunky British commentator to be doing a documentary on how crazy we were to wear such things, just like how the Victorians were to wear such tight corsets, showing off 3D animations of the damage to said junk from this clothing. Remember how the invention of the metal eyelet allowed people to draw their corsets so tight that they literally deformed their organs and bones, sometimes leading to death. While the penis is much more resilient than most organs, this analogy was one I thought was worth sharing. Guys, you need to treat your body right if you want it to work right, and cutting off circulation to your Schlong, for the sake of crappy hipster fashion, is not treating it right! Go get some baggy pants before its too late, or if you’re voting for Trump, buy skinny jeans two sizes down please. That way at least you won’t be able to breed. In the end, I ordered some Dickies online. The mall is a fucking waste of time, and a disgusting use of otherwise pristine land. The only plus was that I got to try some amazing tea at Teavana. “Only a nation of unenlightened halfwits could’ve taken this beautiful place and turned it into what it is today…. A Shopping Mall!” — George Carlin

SkinnyJeanNerveDamage CorsetOrganDamage VictorianCorset Ok, corsets are kind of hot, but not for everyday use.


Florida Man and Woman: Have Idiotic Winner Takes All Delegate Policy, Need Time Not Counting Votes to Wrestle Alligators

Really Florida, you just blow off the opinions of every one else in your state. Why would Florida do this, is it because they’re too corrupt or lazy to split them up? Or, because they want to decide who is going to be president for the rest of that nation. God the south sucks at politics. The good news is that Hillary is at the peak of her run and Bernie is coming up on very Bernie friendly states. Come on America, let’s not let the part of the nation that doesn’t want anyone to have basic human rights pick another shitty candidate. The people voting are largely retirees from New York that spent their lives fucking over the rest of America anyway. Remember? For God’s sake, they just stopped using the Stars and Bars down there!


Superdelegates Are Bullshit, You Should Only Count Delegates

Just another post to help dispel the lies coming out of the Clinton campaign. Superdelegates don’t mean anything! They are just people in the party, that are “important” (aka probably rich douche bags that made their money overcharging you for necessities, etc.), that have said they will probably support a particular candidate. This happened in the Clinton vs. Obama run, and many of the superdelegates turned on Hillary in the end. What, she expected loyalty from sweatshop owners and polluters? Sorry, I meant the “important” people in her party. Anyway, the Clinton Campaign, and even several “reputable” online polls keep listing the superdelegates, but as of today the number of actual delegates supporting Clinton and Sanders are:


Clinton: 768

I decided to put Sanders in bold here since the Clinton Campaign has a lot of establishment media outlets making her look like she has more support than she actually does. If you type, presidential primary delegate count, into Google you’ll get a very visually biased graph as the first result, showing both delegates and super delegates for each candidate. Making Hillary look like she is way ahead. She is not! As of this writing, she is only 9 percent ahead of Sanders. I love Google, but come on guys, can we not bias search results for some things, like the election? Perhaps there are some things you shouldn’t take money for. I guess I should ask CNN and MSNBC to do the same thing when it comes to the debates themselves and how they edit the short films afterwards, set candidates up on stage, etc.

It’s ok though, we’re used to Republicans lying, why should Hillary be any different? She’s quite an established Republican after all. In the end I’ve never voted Republican, which is why I’m not voting for Hillary. I would vote for Elizabeth Warren if she ran. I am not opposed to a woman president at all, but Hillary? Come on feminists, this isn’t the horse to back. Don’t you remember the movie, “The Bad Seed”? It’s about a little girl, that everyone assumes is good because she’s a girl (aka they make a sexist assumption), but she actually drowns other kids and sets people on fire, then lies about it? Not all women are good, just because they don’t have a penis. Backing Hillary just because she’s a woman is sexist, and a selfish decision when it comes to the well-being of this country. Let’s vote on issues, and performance, not anatomy!

Update: I watched the Univision debate. The only debate that I felt was as unbiased as the PBS Newshour debate. Hillary Clinton demonstrated a much greater lack of understanding on how to answer a yes/no question than Sanders. In fact, I wonder if she really understands the point of a yes/no question. Hillary, here is some advice, in general when someone asks you a yes/no question you should try, when possible, to give them a yes or no response before saying anything else. In the English language Yes is usually used to indicate an affirmative response and no usually a negative one. I can help you with yes and no responses in other languages if you so desire.

Praying For Our Rights At the Altar of Steve Jobs

So, as I’ve been discussing the recent issue about the terrorist’s iPhone that Apple won’t help our FBI with and I imagined what a world where we have to ask corporations for their permission to protect ourselves from dangerous criminals would be like, instead of building better, more trustworthy government, and here is what I came up with.

I lead off with this quote from the recent democratic debate for consideration. Yes the FBI and the government have violated the public trust many times, especially in the last 15 years, but in the end I’ll take a government I have a chance at fixing over scary multinational corporations that answer to no one, any day.

“Listen, I suppose they can trust the corporations who have destroyed Flint by a disastrous trade policy which have allowed them to shut down plants in Flint and move to China or Mexico. We could trust them I’m sure. Or maybe — you know, maybe, Anderson, tell you what — we should — maybe we should let Wall Street come in and run the city of Flint…… because we know their honesty and integrity has done so much for the American people. Look, we live in a democracy, and I’m not in (ph) the last person to deny that government is failing in many respects. But at the end of the day, I will trust the people to create a government that works for them, rather than Wall Street or corporate America.” — Bernie Sanders 3/6/2016

It was a hot day at 1 Infinite Loop. I was dressed in the proper attire to be admitted into the sacred burial chamber of Steve Jobs. It was an old Orange Genius Room shirt from back in the day when Apple used good PowerPC Processors. My power ring was also made from a 233 Megahertz G3 PowerPC processor, and my necklace from a chain of old ADB cabling and a broken up ADB keyboard. The Command key was carefully placed in the center.

I was being recorded by many Apple employees on various shiny devices, from the moment I stepped foot onto the Apple Campus. They all wore hipster glasses, and slim jeans, but that was ok with me because I loved them all so much. I wasn’t 100% sure why but being amongst my techno-tribe made me feel warm inside. It removed the burden of having to think for myself from my shoulders.

I started to consider all of the suicides and violently broken up protests at their horrific FoxConn plant to be a testament to their greatness. Those people that gave their lives in service to Apple really paved the way for not just Corporate America, but for an America governed by corporations that made shiny things on the backs of abused Asian workers. Good for them I say, way to make the big bucks. I had 3 iPhones, 2 iPad Pros, and 2 MacBook Pros in my Lincoln Navigator, and I never kept a car, phone, tablet, or computer longer than a year. Only commies keep their stuff until it stops working.

After visiting the store I was blindfolded, and scanned with an iProbe, both exteriorly, and interiorly, in my rectum, then in my mouth. I was sure that the Apple Engineers had designed a cleaning apparatus into the iProbe, or if they didn’t I was sure that I would make up an excuse for why not putting one in was a good, progressive, idea. The shitty taste in my mouth reminded me that their top people had long ago moved onto designing the iPhones and all of their other projects were pretty much a joke. Oh well, I deserved it! After all, I went with a better Linux server years ago instead of an overpriced OSX Mac Mini Server. I actually wanted something that could be expanded and ran on better, cheaper hardware. Shame on me for not being loyal to my benevolent overlords at Apple. Who did I think I was, using my own judgment, and relying on my own research to make a decision? There was never any option other than Apple after all. Why didn’t I see that earlier?

After my scans I was led up and down many hallways, and was further scrutinized by other security professionals in slim jeans with designer coffees. Blood, hair, and skin samples were taken many times using the iNeedle, the iRazor and the iExfoliator, then scanned on the spot to check for impurities or signs of Windows use.

During some of these stops the blindfold was removed and I was subjected to a series of images of other successful IT companies and movements. I smiled when I noticed Tux the penguin, which was considered a sign of impurity. They knew how to deal with scumbags like me that thought about using other computing platforms. To make a long story short, after being hooked up to a car battery for a while, I realized the error of my ways and admitted that these other IT paths were impure and their developers really just wanted to be like Apple, but just weren’t Apple enough to pull it off. With this realization, I was finally admitted to the tomb of Jobs.

His mummified corpse sat on a beautiful brushed aluminum platform in the center of the room surrounded by LED lighting. He was dressed in a black turtleneck and slacks. Priests attended him 24 hours a day, and wore long red robes, that covered their entire bodies, including their faces. They chanted incantations in Objective-C and used Newtons to smack themselves in the face with, periodically, if they made an error in their code. Many cameras and iPads were in the room playing Apple specific content, including a track that continuously played snippets of Steve Jobs words of wisdom. I knew, when I heard him scream at a young employee for not being artistic enough, that he was the kind of man that I wanted to be like. A true corporate icon and champion of the American people!

I had been sent here on behalf of my desperate people. An iPhone had been recovered from yet another Terrorist/Pedophile and we needed Apple’s help to see the content on the phone. Just like in the past, we didn’t want the secrets of their encryptions, asking for this was considered treason after all, but for them to disable the feature that would destroy the data on the phone if a password was entered incorrectly 10 times. Then we would start the time consuming process of trying to force our way in. Who were we to judge one of the great corporations of our time? They created the best shiny things for pampered people after all and that was what was important.

I knelt before the altar and was fed a cracker with thermal paste on it. I then had to wash it down with G5 liquid cooling fluid, known as holy water in the this sacred place. I felt ill but began to make my request using the Objective-C language to start, as was required. And I said, line by line,

Comment:// A Program to Request Apple's Assistance on Behalf of the    //American People, now known as the Nation of Apple.  
#import <Foundation/Foundation.h>
int main (int argc, const char * argv[])
        NSAutoreleasePool *pool = [[NSAutoreleasePool alloc] init];
        NSLog (@"Please oh mighty and holy lords of Apple, grant us the means to protect ourselves, our children and our children's children from our enemies. Of course if you don't, I'll understand and realize I was wrong to ask in the first place. So say we all.");
        [pool drain];
        return 0;

Tim Cooks voice then came over an unseen speaker, and he said, “Code entered correctly. We will listen to thy request, as thou did wear proper, tasteful attire today and look douchebaggy enough to be listened to. Still, I would have preferred more grovelling.”

I then made my full request. Hoping and praying that I would be granted the means necessary to protect my loved ones by the holy of holies, CEO Tim Cook. Known as the messiah, Tim-esus in our new age. There was a myth that he would rise on the 3rd day after Apple switched to yet another processor type. Personally, I was hoping for ARM based computers. I should note that we were in the 10th year of the new Calendar. Known as 10 AA (After Apple).

After many hours of being forced to listen to Coldplay, and readings from the Book of Apple (a collection of technical manuscripts), I finally received an answer in the form of an iAssassin Droid which was sent into the room. It was a small, track based droid with an iPad for a face and needle tipped hands. Apple’s preferred method of execution was to inject enemies of the state with the Lithium/Polymer mixture used in their batteries. As it glided across the black, brushed aluminum floor, Tim Cooks’ voice started speaking through its small, yet impressive speaker, “sorry, but you are not artistic enough to make such a request and your impurity of using other computing products at some point in your life means that you must be eliminated for the good of the Nation of Apple. Your family will be sent new iPhones as compensation. For the glory of Apple!”

Luckily, the Droid was prettier than it was functional, a common problem with Apple products, and I was able to deploy a Raspberry Pi 300 Based Bodyguard Robot I had hidden in my butt to cover my escape. While I watched the little, far superior Modified Pi take out the trash using its flame throwers, I suddenly had a change of heart. My daughter had made the Droid in the tent city that we lived in, and urged me to take it in case things went south, I kept the details of how I would have to smuggle it in from her. As the Little Pi decimated the far inferior Apple product, the years of brainwashing melted away as I remembered what a person with proper knowledge could really do with a Raspberry Pi. The Pi’s were now being built in secret of course, and owning such banned technology was grounds for execution. Oddly, the priests did not follow. They just keep continuing to pray to their master.

The iAssassin Droid may have been able to repair itself, but it’s parts request to Apple Corporate took too long. Besides, no one wanted to risk having to pay a restocking fee for not getting the broken part back to Apple in time. After all, Apple never did tell you if it was a new or refurbished part. That was part of the fun of having Apple products. When your brand new stuff broke, it was “up yours valued customer” here is a used part that we may or may not have actually fixed for your new, broken, product.

Security was everywhere, yelling, “stop, in the name of his holiness, the Grand Inquisitor Cook, stop or it will hurt your family’s credit and ability to purchase our products!” But I kept running, soon I was dodging wave after wave of iPod style shuriken. I said my prayers, and hoped just to make it out alive. The Little Pi Continued to fight on, and blocked the shuriken from hitting me until it stopped working. It said, “I did this for our family,” before finally self-destructing.

I could hardly breathe through the thick smoke made up mostly of vintage clothing, burnt lattes, and iPhone cases. Suddenly an elite, underground team, of Ubuntu using rebels busted in with a giant Mech that looked like a Timberwolf from Mechwarrior 2. Even the few Microsoft guys that were around joined in with some half functioning robots based on T2 skeletons. They could only operate for about 15 minutes before being overcome by spyware and other viruses, but it provided me with enough time to get into the Timberwolf and get the fuck out of Cupertino. The team was tipped off by my son, who used TOR to communicate the date of the location to them. We would all be wanted for treason now, and as Apple proved many times, they only considered a child a good child if they were making batteries for them.

Tux class, armored shock troopers covered our escape, but in the end none made it out alive except for myself and the Timberwolf’s pilot. The pilot informed me that my family was being moved to a safe location in Canada, and that Apple iBombers were already in route, but they believed their Arudino based force fields would protect the convoy long enough to get away.

This day would be known as the day the corporate wars began.